Some Days

I guess some days are better than others.
Some days I feel the very un-noticeableness of me, the infinity of forever and the imperfections in our perfection. Some days I feel you forgetting me. And everything feels unachievable and I'm not good enough and everything bleeds struggle. I cannot accept things as they are, the easy ebb and flow which used to control my thoughts. I worry. I worry that I need everything that is simply a want and I worry that I am unwanted. I worry that I will disintegrate into the void of nothingness without a trace. Some days I feel the crushingness of missing you and life apart from you seems impossible. And the length of our time apart feels insurpassable and everything is too much. Sometimes all the people I've loved and who've loved me only make me more acutely aware of my aloneness, my singularity.

Some days I'm drowning in this fear and aloneness and desolation and some days I forget that I am covered. I am not alone nor am I desolate. My greatest fears are diminished when I remember that I am only a star in a network of constellations and I have everything I need. I am safe and I am loved and I am breathing. It is enough to be breathing. And nothing I feel hasn't been felt by others to greater degrees and that makes me feel less alone. Because there's always a way, you know. There's always a Plan B, and you'll always be there when I need you. And preemptive worrying is only self-destructive because a rocket scared of never breaking the atmosphere will never ignite the fire of its engines to try.

I guess that's all we can do in this life. Try and breathe and work until our hands bleed and our lungs ache and we are tired and happy and fulfilled. And the fruits of our labour may vary and come disguised as thorns in our sides but they will be fruits nonetheless. Because hard work will never be met with nothing and there is always a way.

Some days are better than others. Some days remembering you hurts and some days it is the only thing that keeps me going. Some nights the quiet blackness brightens every memory of you and I am aware of every inch and second of the distance and time between us.

But some days I am okay. And some days, most days, I am happy.

You showed me happiness.